SAMPLE CHAPTER

CONFESSIONS OF A SWANHERD

Since becoming owner of a pair of swans I’ve taken to calling myself a Swanherd. It has a nice ring and, technically, it isn’t a lie. Watching David and Bathsheba gliding majestically across the pond is a pleasure. Now, as teenagers in swan terms, they’ve begun to experiment with what interests teenagers most. God’s injunction to “go forth and multiply” appears to be on their minds. The probability my flock of swans will increase has fueled aspirations to visit England, where swans are Royal birds.

Being a Swanherd hasn’t changed the junk mail I receive. My mailbox is crammed with offers for credit cards, which I’m assured will change the way I live and the respect I’ll receive. I’m always pre-approved for a credit line that would stagger the Royal Exchequer.

The more I watched those swans, the more the itch to travel wanted to be scratched. One day, as I sorted through the mail, the connection finally hit. I selected a likely looking card offer and filled out the application. Under “occupation” I wrote: SWANHERD. Under “annual income” I entered: FIFTEEN SWANS. To put the bankers’ minds at ease I enclosed a covering letter:

Gentlemen:
I can’t express how pleased I am to learn I’ve been pre-approved for your Platinum Card with such a generous credit limit. Your offer is very nearly an answer to prayer and I believe it will be a great help to me in advancing professionally as a Swanherd.

Although you asked only that I complete the short application, I feel I should provide a bit more detail. Despite the antiquity of the trade not everyone is familiar with Swanherding,. As patron, so to speak, you deserve to know how I plan to use the funds your card will provide.

In England all swans not privately owned are property of the Crown. Even today there is a Royal Swan Keeper as well as a yearly “swan-upping,” in which cygnets from the spring hatch are caught and given their ciginota, or mark. The Worshipful Company of Vintners and the Worshipful Company of Dyers own swans under Royal charters given in the 1400’s and to this day their Swan Masters take part in the upping. As you can readily see, there are great opportunities in Swanherding.

It is my aspiration, with your help, to elevate the profession of Swanherd to comparable heights in this country and by careful planning to become this country’s first ever Swan Master. To accomplish this it will be imperative to fly to England for the swan-upping and entertain the Royal Swan Keeper and significant others at banquet. That, as well as travel and lodging, is where your bank’s Platinum Card will play a crucial role. With the prestige your card will provide I shall return with their blessings and recommendations, ready to accomplish the second part of my plan.

Thanks to our ex-president’s wife, now “retired” Secretary of State, we are all aware how profitable Commodity Trading can be. Here in the USA unmarked swans are an unrecognized commodity belonging to no one in particular. With a simple Executive Order they could be put under government control.

From there, the sky is the limit! The initial profits could go toward reducing the national debt. Since it will not require taxing or cutbacks, bipartisan support is assured.

As architect of this plan I believe I will be in “the catbird seat” to become America’s Swan Czar. Politically savvy friends have counseled the title is most likely to be conferred by a Republican administration, but more likely funded by a Democratic regime. In either case I‘m willing to be flexible about nomenclature as long as it becomes a cabinet-level position. You’ll note I anticipate an annual income of FIFTEEN SWANS, but given the enthusiasm of my cob and pen, this could be a conservative projection. Once trading in swan futures begins, their value could take off like stock in Google or Facebook.

There will be tremendous future benefits for your bank. As swans grow in value as a commodity the profession of swanherding will expand as rapidly as computer programming. In a few years your bank should be deluged with applications for credit from Swanherds! Be assured that I, in my role as Swan Czar, will be generous in recommending your bank above all others because of your astute decision to help with my plan.

Anxiously awaiting the cards, I am,
Richard Harrison, Swanherd.


 It has been weeks now and I’m still waiting! Is it possible my application has been lost in the mail?